Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
