I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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