Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
