Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
