So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
