its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize