i permit you to call me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
