just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
