u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
