If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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