Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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