I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
