Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
