I faked an abortion last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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