my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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