I must be too annoying 4 u.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
