Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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