If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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