he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
