K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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