I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
