It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
