No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
