someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
