she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
