Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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