He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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