I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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