Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
