my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
