I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
