I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
