i already hear my dad disowning me
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
