I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
