I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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