sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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