That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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