then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
