Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
