I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
