Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
