Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
