There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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