like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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