I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
