Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
