so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
