I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
