He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
