I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
A bitchslap is in order.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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