The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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