i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
