it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
