Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
