I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
