So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
