Are we in a gay sports bar?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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