btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
COCAINE IS GR8
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
