I hate all girls vehemently.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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