I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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