Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
